Once again, Shilts hands over to the self proclaimed voice of the self proclaimed voices of the internet, football forum expert and 6 year old; Little Johnny for a recap of all the action from yesterday’s Group D game between England and Sweden. THE NEXT MOST IMPORTANT OF THE TOURNAMENT SO FAR™
England 3 (Carroll 30, Walcott 64, Welbeck 78) – 2 Sweden (Johnson (og) 49, Mellberg 59)
ENGERLAND, HERE WE’RE GOING! Where? Ukraine for the Euros of course. It is another blockbusting game featuring the top two sides in Engerland and Sweden, though my friend Mike Ricketts says that Manchester United are way better than Engerland but he is always lying, like the time he said he could fly and that he’d seen my mum’s rude bits.
And we’re off! Broom, broom, the football has started and my dad says “we’re going to lose this one, we always fucking do” after the ball goes out for a throw in to Sweden. He stormed out of the room and said to wake him up when we had lost, but then ANDREW CAROL HAS SCORED THE GOAL after Stephence Gerhard just smashed the ball into his face really hard and it is in the net, game, set and match. My dad runs into the room and says loads of swears about how Carol is clearly the best striker in ever because he has scored and that Hodgsman is an idiot for not playing him all of the time and knocks over his pint. Mum says ‘clean that up, please, I am not your servant’ but he just ignores her and mum eventually does it for him.
Zoltanovic and John Terrance have a tackle and the big Sweden is down but John Terrance isn’t and then Lawro Lawroenson says that John Terrance is a warrior because he is not hurting and because he doesn’t get hurt and lie on the floor this makes him better than Zoltanovic, even if Terrance is sometimes rude to people.
It is half of the time gone and all the expert men like Albert Sheera PHD say we are definitely going to win the Euros because we are winning now and it is great, so I get really excited and run into a wall and pretend to be electrocuted because this is what I do when I am excited.
But… OH NO and Sweden have kicked the ball about loads after a free kick and Jolof Mellburger has done a kick towards goal and Joe Hearts tries to give it to Glen Johns but Glen Johns gets confused and chests the ball towards our goals but then thinks “I have made the biggest mistake” and tries to make it not go in but he trips over his laces which are undone and falls in with the ball. We are drawing a picture of a 1-1 draw.
Then even more badness happens and Mellburger kicks another ball towards our goal with his beard, but this time Joe Hearts thinks it will be a funny joke if he just doesn’t move or try and save the ball’s life, just standing there to show how good is because he will make the save at the last minute and everyone will go ‘wow, that was ace’ but then he forgets to save the ball and it goes in. My dad screams and says Hodgsman should be executed for raping the country but the TV pans to Hodgsman and he still has his trousers on so I don’t know how he could be doing that. My dad says this happens every time and that Engerland are the worst team and that he hates them, but I don’t know why he always buys the shirts of a team he hates all the time and is excited when they do well. My dad is odd.
John Terrance has a chance that is so easy but he misses with his head and Lawroenson says it was a hard chance and that everyone should forgive him for the racism as well. Hodgsman brings on little Theo Walcots and dad says “oh great, what is even the point? Walcots is absolutely (rude word) and cannot even kick the ball properly” It is a corner and then Walcots kicks the ball properly from outside the box and it just swerves around everyone on it’s way to the goal like when my mum gives me a lift to school and has some wine to settle her nerves and IT’S A GOAL! and I say hooray but my dad just says “be quiet son, we’re still going to lose, we always (rude word)ing do”. Then I am sad, because we are going to lose, so I go and kick our pet dog.
But then something magical happens, and Walcots just runs and dances and dances whilst running all at once past the Swedens and he kicks the ball towards Daniel Wellbecks who does the MC Hammer spin on the ball and knocks it in for the most fantastic GOAAAAAAAL!
We just have to hold on now and not fall off the cliff into a pit of Sweden goals, and Walcots tries to give my mate Al Oxslide Chainberlin a goal but Stephence Gerhard says ‘I am the most heroic man, I need to score this’ and then misses.
My dad keeps saying “we’re going to (rude) word this up” and keeps gripping his chair really hard then the final whistle goes and he pulls the arm off his chair with happiness. Now my dad is happy and says we’re going to win the tournament. My mum is less happy as she says that the chair was a wedding present.